Lone Wolfing, Healing & Emotional Expansion

I didn’t know what love was, but always sought it. I looked, begged, borrowed, tried to understand, attain, dissect and tear it apart from every angle. This is not the time for me to get into my childhood but I will say it was rough. Love was my ultimate goal & distraction. It was necessary for me to create a fantasy realm in order to survive. I sought partners to reflect who I longed to become. I sought partners to give myself away to and lose myself in. I buried myself in love and lovers (imaginary & real) and this started, in earnest, around age 7.

My first “serious” relationship was at age 13. Then, I fell in love at age 15 (or what I thought was love and now the whole thing is gross & wrong) with a 23 year old man. I had obsessive crushes on teachers, psychologists, authority figures, friend’s fathers… I had male friends that were in love with me, that I felt nothing romantic for but I stayed friends with them to try and study how their minds worked. When I actually had feelings for partners it was terrifying. I usually felt anxiety & nausea. I couldn’t connect sexuality & emotional feeling. When the two did connect for me, with someone, I would disassociate & fall into a dark depression.

Southern California was hot and I was a gothic, melancholy teen. I’d sit in my fake fur at the beach and read all the poets, english, french, german. Feverishly, I wrote about my feelings & relationships. I snuck out, late at night, to meet people. I read everything by Anais Nin, Henry Miller, Nabakov, Jane Austen, The Brontes… Wuthering Heights became my bible & blueprint. The Great Gatsby was a how to manual. All of my worth was wrapped up in how partners saw me and my ability to conjure “love” from them. I chose impossible conquests and crafted relationships with withholding men, then left when they confessed their feelings for me. I was a mess. There was often more than one star in my sky and it was exhausting to keep up. I was in one or more, or some kind of romantic crazy, romantic relationship back to back or overlapping from age 13 until a few years ago.

My ex husband and I married In Las Vegas in 1996 on a whim. We were both 20. The other night I saw a vision of us in a dream.

We were newlyweds setting up our bedroom in our first tiny apartment. We were children playing adult. I was dropped into my mentality as a scattered, wounded bird of a girl. In my naivete, I was also very sweet and wanted to believe that this was the love I was looking for. I remember how that felt. My perception of him was so informed by who I wanted him to be, not who he actually was. I held on so tightly to the vision of who I dreamed him to be. I noticed that we were younger, when we married, than our son is now. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me, pulling blankets up around us. How safe I had felt with him when we first met.

I woke up from the dream feeling shocked. I never dream about him. But myriad characters have been showing up in my dreamworld lately. A surreal parade of exes. Some more than others. I have been fully single for 2 years. No partnerships, no crushes, no overlapping drama fests. I’ve been married to myself. It is so different. This time has been necessary, I needed two years to myself.

In Jan 2017 I met my “Heathcliff” (if you don’t know who that is, read “Wuthering Heights” or watch the brutal bbc production w Tom Hardy). This man was the embodiment of every toxic love fantasy I held near & dear to my heart. I sought him out & pursued him. I held on for dear life and drug him into a relationship that would spiral out of control leaving us both heartbroken & isolated when we split for good. It was a trauma bonded, co-dependent, love addict (me)/love avoidant (him) romance that left piles of broken dishes, slammed doors, internet stalking & blocking, a broken lease and every other hard thing in it’s wake. All my worst relationship fears manifested. At the end I felt like I was dying. He was a black hole and the sun at the center of my universe. I’d never wanted to kiss someone and/or destroy their car with a tire iron… It was a rock bottom. When I broke up with him, I realized I had energy leaks all around me. People who fed off me energetically. I withdrew & disconnected from so many “friendships”, I left a job… If it wasn’t everything, I didn’t want it at all. The high standards I had for my romantic partnership I also had for friends. I was curating my life. I felt crazy & lonely and then my ex moved across the country. I felt grateful. A year later he moved back and it was too much to bear.

On a whim, last July, I moved to a forested island. Lone Wolf mode was in full affect. I acted like I just wanted to get out of the city but I really wanted to isolate. Summer was a haze. I didn’t know a single person here. 9000 people on Vashon Island, all strangers. There are deer everywhere. Initially, I overly identified with the does and what it means to be prey. I was still thinking of perceived wrongs done to me under the guise of “love”. I felt dis-empowered in July. My strength was a tiny seed waiting to grow. It feels easy to be depressed on sunny days. I can still get outside, lay in the sun. I would watch the female deer & their babies for hours. Deer spring into action and bounce away at the first glimpse of danger, they move silently, they watch & wait, so experienced at being delicate & breakable. Right around September I began to see male deer. A buck has an entirely different vibe. There is a fierceness about them, they were unafraid when I walked into the yard. Male deer don’t immediately run away. I watched the young bucks, they were powerful and graceful. I started to feel stronger. I noticed the families of deer more than the solitary does. I watched them lazily munching fallen apples as summer turned to fall.

Throughout Autumn, I was still bummed but not so much. I would go into the city & meet a couple of magical soul sisters for tea or to walk around. I’d get the sweetest messages & comments from people (I’ve never met in “real” life) on instagram and on some days those would almost bring me to tears. Just the kindness of some people. I would add it to my mental file of proof that there is such goodness in strangers. Winter set in, the darkness, the rain. I started making plans, envisioning my future in grand design. I would have days where curiosity & joy were my dominant feelings. Creativity became necessary. That was divine insight from my spirits. “Make something, just for the joy of creating, don’t try and attach a price tag.” I began writing every morning while I drank tea. I wrote poetry at night by candlelight, dictated ideas into my phone.

When I moved here, I’d planned to spend my days writing, building my website, formulating online classes. I didn’t do very much of that. I’m only now starting to get back into a “work” flow. My Summer, Fall & Winter have been seasons of healing. Self-Care on a level that was previously unknown to me. I’d always been a caretaker of others, so turning all that energy towards myself felt very radical & foreign. I slept in. until 8 or 9 (which for me is late) and it was such a shift after over 18 years of getting up at 6am to hustle kids to school. I slowed down, waaaay down. I stopped coffee & gluten. I continued taking online energy work classes, I started kundalini yoga & pilates (at home-thank you internet!), I began loving myself. Putting myself first by staying home if I wanted, saying no to invitations. Wild nights were spent watching bbc movies & crying or watching ridiculous comedies just to laugh. I drank herbal infusions, I did yoni steams, I had atlantian energy healing done, I went out the the peninsulas and explored, nurtured my inner child, examined my worst fears about myself, accepted & integrated it all, did spells & rituals to call my energy back, to break contracts, to feel safe. I read a lot of books.

I learned to love time alone. I stopped scanning & searching for partners. 2 times (for about 24 hours each), I got on okcupid to see what I thought I might be missing out on. Online dating holds no appeal for me. There just seems to be a slime about it. I’ve tried to be open but I think it’s just not for me.

Now, I am entering a new season, on the other side of, a long period of remembering myself. I had to reset & clear out all the energy I was holding onto. Every little thread had to be disentangled and pulled out. Cords removed, at the root, cord cutting wasn’t enough. I have been sheltering myself within myself. Now it feels like I am beginning to flower. Reprogramming the entire ideology of what “love” is. I know who I am, by my own definition. The self that I imagined myself to be, before complicated relationships happened. I am in constant transformation and expansion. I give the gift of acceptance to myself.

When I ripped out my old notions of toxic romanticism I created space for new thoughts & messages. I can actually hear (see, feel, know…) my spirits now. Before I reconnected with myself, my head was a busy place. I would second guess myself & channeling wasn’t always clear. Knowing myself fully has changed my world, I feel spiritually & emotionally upgraded. My dreams are technicolor masterpieces full of the most wonderful beings. While I did step back from most relationships with other people, my relationships with my ancestors, angels & spirits deepened & intensified.

I have boundaries & emotional guidelines for relationships now. There is freedom in that. I felt compelled to share because, in the work that I do, I share bits & pieces of my story (& this is just a little more) but I don’t get personal. I wanted to check in & communicate how much I’ve repaired & that self-love & healing is possible. I’m a real person, not always elevated and not “perfect”, I can be petty & shallow but I work on it. The last couple years have been a portal to a new me. I’ve found the love I was always looking for and it had to come from myself. I think many of you are going through a similar stage and I want you to know I’m in this with you. All the concepts, ideas & messages I channel are what I use & need in my life. We are doing this work together & going on and activating others to embrace their own self love. It’s a string of magick we’re sharing & extending.

I’m sitting here on day 37 (I think) of straight rain. Holding you in my heart & thinking of how exciting it will be when the sun shines constantly. much love xoxo